Vulnerability Shift, Day 2

My Vulnerability Shift assignment for the day is to clarify what I want. Sounds easy right? Not so much! Actually I’m quite clear on what I don’t want, but that’s not at all the same thing. I could produce a wish list of worldly accomplishments, but the truth is I am well aware that circumstances, possessions, relationships, and status are all impermanent and won’t bring me happiness. I have plenty of clients who seem to have it all yet are deeply unhappy and totally stressed.

So… what’s my life’s mission statement? Here’s what I’ve come up with:

It’s my intention to feel safe and secure, loving and loved, peaceful, joyful, free. I aspire to awaken spiritually and remember that we are all infinite beings having a human experience. I desire to release all limiting beliefs, all judgements, and all distractions from being fully present. And I want to do it openly, without thinking I need to hide my light or play small to avoid discomfort, skepticism, or criticism.

In short, I want to be My True Authentic Self without apology.

Whatever I’m doing I can use this one simple statement as a barometer to tell if I’m on track or not. It describes how I imagine I’d feel in a happy, healthy romantic relationship. Or on a luscious vacation. Or while building my own business. A busy day at work or a day off in my pajamas. At home alone or at a party with friends. I can feel a Dr. Seuss stanza threatening to break through, so I’ll just stop there!

You get the idea. Once I got clear on how I wanted to feel, I realized that the circumstances of my life don’t matter nearly as much. I do believe in the adage that once we commit to a goal, the universe conspires to help us succeed. I figure if I succeed at this, then the form it takes isn’t all that important.

Apologies to the Neighbors

The other morning I had a meltdown. Tears welled up from out of nowhere and threatened to overtake me. I’m a big proponent of acknowledging feelings and allowing them to Simply Be, but I needed to be out the door in half an hour to get to class. A class that I was scheduled to teach. About emotional healing. (No, the irony is not lost on me!) I have a tremendous amount of tools at my disposal for this sort of emergency. And not one of my go-to spiritual practices was working effectively on moving this energy.

Then I thought, “What would I tell one of my students or clients to do in this situation?” Well, that was easy: whatever works to feel better. I got still for a moment and the answer came to me: dance it out! So I put on the happy songs that usually shift my mood when I’m feeling less than happy. Not working. I check in again and the answer is quick: get real. Aha! So it’s the angry music, then. At full volume. (Hence the apology to my unsuspecting neighbors!) Ten minutes of stomping and spinning and punching to Nine Inch Nails and Fugazi and I’m right as rain. I run a brush through my tangled hair and go about my day.

Obviously I have some emotional clearing that needs to be done. And my go-to tools have been working brilliantly for this. Processing old hurts and grief is important work that often got bypassed before with numbing behaviors. Since I’ve vowed to be present with What Is, stuff has been coming up to be released. I’m so grateful for the reminder I posted last week about “shoulds” which helped me to get past my judgment about which music was “spiritually appropriate” and how a Reiki Master Teacher “should” behave. A friend pointed out that this was truly being authentic, and let me tell you; it works!

 

Am I Preaching?

Yesterday someone told me that sometimes my posts sound a bit preachy. I gave this feedback some serious thought. Am I preaching? In my eyes, that word implies a hierarchy; one who is holier trying to save the lesser, unholy people. As I believe we are all equals and that each of us is responsible for our own path and evolution, I have decided that I disagree. I’m not preaching. I’m most certainly strongly determined to speak my truth, passionate about a wide variety of subjects, and hoping to teach by example. Of course I understand that my forthrightness is a turn off for some (many?) people. Who wants to be reminded that each and every choice we make affects our future and that it is important to be constantly mindful of making choices that reflect our values? From what I’ve observed, not many. Yet, I have spent my entire life editing my words and actions to be liked and accepted by the masses, and that time is past. I am speaking to those who want to make the shift to awareness through action. There is plenty of material available for those who don’t.

My top three values at this point in my life are authenticity, self-care, and responsibility. It took me forty plus years, decades of soul searching, a lifetime of not belonging, and rivers of tears to reach this level of understanding. These are not values I was taught in school or saw modeled on TV. I figured it out myself with self-help tools, perseverance, and acute awareness. This is who I am, what I believe in, and the message I have to share. I make no apologies for that. If I can demonstrate to just one person that eating wisely and practicing yoga can eliminate pain, or that voting with our dollars is a powerful strategy, or that our thoughts shape our reality; well, then I consider this blog to be successful. If one person shifts from mainstream thinking to questioning everything and making choices that truly honor the highest good of all (which naturally includes the planet we live on and all its inhabitants); well, then I am ecstatic.

I welcome all feedback as it inspires new thinking and inquiry. I’m grateful for this comment as if helped me to clarify my message. Will it change what I have to say? No, absolutely not. Will it change the way I say it? Maybe so. I believe in tough love and at this point in our evolution, it’s crucial for beings to wake up and take a stand for their values. I’m not willing to sugar coat that. If, however, there is any question of judgement being inferred from my words, I need to be careful to address that. I have no intention to make anyone feel “less than” me or anyone else. We’re all in this together and it is my true desire to elevate the consciousness of those whose paths cross mine. If I can practice unwavering devotion to my truth, so can you. So, thanks for the comment. I appreciate the opportunity to re-examine my motives and clarify my stance on non-judgement. When I say “question everything”, this includes ME!